Seriously, no wonder so many of are all too stupid to understand where babies come from. She trapped him? We still cant quite manage partheogenesis or budding. In the long run, US ends up with what I like to refer to as the Feminist Mystake. Your bf cant stop her from having the baby. I think hes scum because 1.- he asked the other woman to have an abortion and 2.- now hes mad that she didnt. This isnt about a child who has been born and who has needs. The you made your choice when you had sex argument goes both ways. Whether or not she trapped him is irrelevant, in my opinion. After crying, talking, and crying a lot more, he left, and I closed the door behind him. Oh I definitely agree, a laid back scenario is no more absurd, it really depends on how people take what he is saying. Especially since, had he been the woman and felt the same way, he would have quietly aborted the child without inviting half the scorn hes received here. Welcome to parenthood. He is also probably telling all sorts of lies to keep the LW with him. I dont know what to think or believe. This is the set up for some serious melodrama. Having legal custody doesnt guarantee you or prevent you from paying support. Would you tell the parents that you would gladly pay for the funeral, but you want nothing else to do with what happened, and that you are going to go live your life like nothing did? April 10, 2012, 5:49 pm. I ended up feeling sorry him, and I started talking to him again, but2 weeks laterhe said the pregnant girl was threatening to hurt herself and he was going to be with her and that he cared too much about her and his unborn child to not try to work it out. What happens when *she* gets pregnant and he still doesnt want to be a father? oy. If he suddenly decided to emotionally ditch this woman when she was five months pregnant or after the baby was born, Id been singing another tune. However, I dont think it sounds like hes ready or willing to settle down with either woman. Is it fair to a kid to be born into a world where his dad abandons him? If a woman gets pregnant from a quick, meaningless relationship and tells the father that shes expecting, and the father wants desperately to keep the baby, what do we call the woman who aborts the child anyways? reader, kmart+, writes (24 July 2008): A is significantly higher than the risk of contracting HIV, which is actually not all that contagious. Now, the woman could want it and the dude not want it. Boy, for someone who cant live without you, he sure didnt wait to go out and sleep with someone else! Theyre young but are certain that theyll be together forever. Agree. Im sorry you feel you are in the minority. Welp, he didnt run after you, and instead he ran to another woman for comfort and now she is pregnant. No. April 10, 2012, 6:32 pm. He sounds self-entitled, immature, arrogant, an all around horrible person. Maybe that outrage will be the catalyst for you to start a political career in order to change these laws that you feel are so unfair. No law can change the fact that whatever choice a man or woman in this position makes, the woman has the burden of actually carrying out the birth or abortion. Hell of course express things in a way that maximizes the chance of him not doing any more to hurt the LW than necessary. I know Im not, but thats mainly because Im in a foul mood and feel feisty. Some said he deserved the label because he exposed the LW to STDs. So it sounds like the mom here mustve been in a postiion to want and/or raise a child. If you choose to roll those dice against any odds you have yourself to blame if they dont land in your favor. If you are a woman, if you just met a guy, and if you become pregnant, you can get 20+ years of child support. If they dont want to be taken, then they should think before they poke landygirl. Hes made a choice. Thus, her meal is tainted with traces of peanuts. The law does, because once the child is here, through no fault of its own, it needs to be supported in order to have a successful life and successful children are in the best interest of all of society. Theyre both opposed to abortion but theyre being safe, right? More like: her: what do you want to do about it? I think hes allowed to have an opinion about the woman after all, hes about to be handcuffed to her for the next 19 years or so. Because the one who is raising the kid is obviously already supporting it. I noticed you dutifully avoided addressing that. All rights reserved. I think your anger is severely displaced and I think I know why if you evaluate the situation without being blinded by your inability to live without this guy, you would see that his true character is shining through and its probably not someone you really want to be with. Adoption is a completely different matter. And there are many things that can happen that make it even less effective, like forgetting a pill, taking antibiotics, etc. It means he or she will know their father, in a sense, and will also have the opportunity to believe that their father just simply didnt want to have anything to do with them. This is why homosexual couples have to adopt. My takeaway from this is that men should never have sex unless theyre sterile or want to have children, and even then they should never have sex unless they plan to never have sex with a different person in the future because there is absolutely no way to avoid all sexually transmitted diseases aside from the complete lack of sexual contact. He had no more to do with the existence of this child then an architect who only provides half the blueprints has responsibility for the existence of the Pentagon. But if she is not YOU need to decide if you can handle your boyfriend having a child with another woman. Sounds like he is 40 and stupid and she is a user and tramp, based on what your story says. April 10, 2012, 10:34 am. A human being on this earth that is 50% like you. Not that hes upset about the situation but furious with this woman. In most cases with my clients, the girl is wanting the guy back but the guy is the one who pulled away. 3) A parent leaving their child with the other parent, especially one they barely know, isnt the same as putting a child up for adoption. I agree people who are dysfunctional should not stay together for the sake of the kid it will just make things worse. Twitter Debates 16-Year Age Gap Between Jaylen Brown & Mouthwatering Meemaw Bernice Burgos, Barbie Gyal Nicki Minaj Returns From Hiatus And Sets Di Road Ablaze At Trinidad Carnival 2023, Rain Pon Meeee: Ashanti Reminds Everyone How Feathered And FINE She Was At Trinidad Carnival 2019, Chaka Khan Shows No Mercy Blasting Mary J. Blige, Mariah Carey & Other Names On Rolling Stone's 'Greatest Singers' List, Funniest (And Pettiest) Tweets From NBA All-Star Weekend 2023. Instead, the LW seems to validate and support his furor, demands of an abortion, etc. Yes, no birth control is perfect, blah blah. She takes her pill every day at the same time. Which is not true. April 10, 2012, 7:10 pm. It was definitely his decision too. Some people are correct that the LWs anger is displaced. Be a grownup, decide if this relationship is worth the less perfect, more dramatic parts, and act accordingly. I think this would cut down on a LOT of baby mama drama with regards to accusations of women getting pregnant on purpose or trapping me with a baby. Because no matter how much we feminists on here hate that bullshit, it DOES happen. April 9, 2012, 4:55 pm. She is certain it is his. And I tend to agree that with certain situations, men end up with the raw end of the deal. Not only was she on the pill, but he wore a condom! And she was all, Um, yeah, those arent always 100 percent effective. And he was like, THEY SHOULD PUT THAT ON THE BOX!!!! Kansas City, Missouri. The point you bring up here is why I cant wrap my head around one night stands. I dont doubt that Sure Baby, I love you. Also he could argue in court that the EXs fiance has taken on the role of father and the child would be damaged to find out that the fiance is not really the father. And it seems to me that he isnt looking to get back together with you because hell die without you; it seems like hes trying to escape the clutches of responsibility by retreating to what he knows As in, someone who takes no issue with his immaturity and irresponsibility. Yep. Just as the guy needs to respect the ladys decision to keep it. Sad that the life you thought was going to happen when you got back with the BF is going to get messier? April 9, 2012, 7:09 pm. At the point where he had options he chose one that could result in a pregnancy. But she can also at any time change her mind and he has no recourse. If I got pregnant by a guy who begged me to have one, I would tell him if he doesnt want this child he can just fuck off and I will raise him/her but I will not kill my own child for him. She wants to abort Jimmys baby. Except I acknowledged that was guesswork on my part. Thats taking responsibility for your own choices. They should be used. You are arguing for NO abortion in cases of rape. Guys definitely think about their ex sexually. Government will go after him for either Medical Support and/or Child Support. Thats fd. Privacy Policy. 99 % of people would necessarily mean about 99 % of women. We ended up keeping in touch for months and talked about working things out. As for the STDs nobody is saying that you shouldnt have sex because you could get them, they are saying that if you are going to have unprotected sex, and then sleep with a different person after that, you at the very least owe it to them, to tell them that you did this, and if they ask, you should get tested. But wherever youre writing from, I suspect the child support laws are strong enough that, if she goes after it, he wont have much choice. but he does not have the option to opt out entirely, which is something the pregnant woman can do. I thought you were disputing the comments about it being not that contagious by disclosing that you were HIV positive. No, but both partners have to accept the fact that having sex means that pregnancy might occur. I am pro-choice, for both woman and for men. I might disagree to a minor degree with some of your points although, re-reading your reply, I dont really think so but thats a great summary, and also completely out of place in this thread because its so rational. If he didnt get tested prior to running back to the LW then yes, he did expose her to STDs. Im sorry, but sex creates children. I think the LW comes across as bitter and resentful and would rather blame the other woman, making her out to be the villain, than to admit that she and her ex really might not belong together. Seven months later he tells you that while you were gone, and in order for him to get over you he met someone else and now shes pregnant. Her mother supported her and helped raise my sister for the first couple of years. Add your answer to this question! Its 100% ok if you cant or dont want to be in that situation. So, in your opinion, anyone who has sex without wanting to get pregnant is an idiot?. So the man in there He should probably act responsibly too. 1970 Mustang Mach I "Synergy Green Pearl"351 Cleveland - Fuel Injection "The Rattle Shaker" Complete nut and bolt rotisserie restoration LESS than 500 miles by C.A.R.S. Sue Jones They had just gotten back together after finding out she was pregnant. But in cases where a woman chooses to bear a child against the wishes of the father, the reciprocal obligation is less concrete. But, are you willing to pay for his mistakes. You sound awfully bitter to me. bittergaymark Get tested for an std too because your love obviously did not use a condom. Youre upset that it only took a few months for her to get what youve been waiting for 4 years. I was dating my ex girlfriend for 7 months before she broke up with me. If he isnt willing to be there for his kid, wanted or not, then what happens when you get pregnant? April 9, 2012, 9:20 am. Thats certainly the type of person you want as your husband. April 9, 2012, 12:32 pm, Well to start theres this ridiculous bit of misogyny and what seems like lack of understanding of child support: one of them is the ability to, once pregnant, get support for 20+ years from someone they might have just met.. And thats why I wouldnt want anything to do with him in the first place. I take it, then, that your position is that a man should never ever have sex unless hes either (a) sterile, or (b) willing to raise the possible resulting child and/or pay for that child for a couple of decades, but that a woman has those choices but also can opt for an abortion and so can opt out of the obligation of a child. My Boyfriend Got Another Woman Pregnant & It Changed My Views On Parenthood. You were on a break, not even completely seperated from the relationship, and he clearly has some space in that undying love for you to have unprotected sex with a stranger. Turns out that the bout of food poisoning she got after their anniversary dinner and the diarrhea that came with it messed with the effectiveness of her birth control pills. =), lets_be_honest Though Ill grant you one concession: Not having this man in a childs life might be a blessing in disguise. He explained that they were always arguing, and that they actually broke up when he first talked to me. April 10, 2012, 9:36 am. Because hes treating the mother of his child, and his child, with such disdain and disregarding his responsibility to him/her. Shall I and all the other taxpayers? It is legal. I do think he has a legal and monetary one, which he has stepped up to. Because guess what? Read the comments. No. He didn't marry you. Whats the matter? We only have sex if were ready to be a father? Hes an idiot either way. April 9, 2012, 3:42 pm. Not necessarily. We have been able to shield the kids from this at this point. I always thought that had to be a mutual decision. Great, yet another fine example of the sheer brilliance and intellect of more and more heterosexuals in this case, the male whom increasingly seem to have all the knowledge and intellect as to where babies come from as, say, your average comatose five year old. Women why do we allow men to sleep with us while they are drunk again..my god.I wont say dont continue your relationship but it will be hard. Why you ask? After 2 months, I initiated for a comeback. Thats all well and good except it didnt happen and now theyre in this situation. You have to grow up and stop this childish immature desiring for a man who keeps you hanging around. You have to be mature and know what is best for you. It is possible to get pregnant on the pill if you dont take it at the same time everyday, so maybe use backup protection if youre fucking someone you dont know? SweetsAndBeats You can leave this dude, try to learn to live life on your own, try to show compassion toward your fellow women, and try to learn to identify unhealthy relationships straight away, before you find yourself embroiled in more soap-opera style theatrics. Not to mention raising the baby, which women are way way WAAAYYY more likely to do alone than men. Theres nothing wrong with casual sex. Pregnancy by deception? Look you can either take what the LW wrote in the letter to be a marginally accurate representation of what is going on or why bother reading and commenting at all? Where exactly do you live? Thats all I can really offer. Youre wrong. How fast his new relationship is moving. evanscr05 ha, Ive done too many drugs too. Again, no. Their choice, honey. And he shouldnt, either. We have the means to resolve pregnancy issues. He doesnt have to have a relationship with her, but like it or not, if hes a real man, he will be there for HIS child, and even his ex. But what can I do? If women insist on compelling child support from the man, then dont whine if society insists that women support the child until birth. So while you were on a break he had unprotected sex with just her or other people too? Most guys will not pass up good sex and they . Now Im confused. Does that change your opinion? Now if the issue remains private without government involvement, then no problem as long as she keeps to their agreement. That can either be a blessing or a curse, depending on your views of abortion, where you are in your life, who your partner is, etc. But then, I guess I like giving people the benefit of the doubt. But biology runs the show and grown adults know the game going in. Its been done and will continue to be done, as long as accidents, divorce, and death happen. Seriously, that is your interpretation of the male thought process? I think whatever scorn youre heaping onto this woman you should deal evenly to your boyfriend. I dont care. Heres how I interpreted it. I want to get angry but I don't know if it's considered cheating. Reading your letter, you are far too immature to handle this. Pay[ing] for it is responsible, even if its not what the mother of the child, or potentially the child, may initially want. I wish there was some way he could have prevented himself from ejaculating into a woman if only there was some way he could have arranged that some way for him to have control over his reproductive material or the choice of woman or the choice to ejaculate at all if only the poor man no choice in the matter AT ALL -Tried to pressure her into getting an abortion Child support, such as it is, is frequently used as stealth spousal support. However, a man should have no such option and should be forced to pay (literally and figuratively) for having sex. Bow out gracefully and give him the space he doesnt know he needs to get his life together. Neither one of THEM created a child. Why does anyone think they have a say in whether a woman aborts or keeps her child? Sorry. He cant try and opt out of the rules that he knew he was playing by when he had sex with this woman. I cant see how anyone would be upset with a man who agrees with that statement and concludes that he has every right to walk away from the whole situation. The man should have no say on whether or not she keeps the baby but she should have a LOT of say over his finances for the next 18 years. There has to be a reason behind all this vitriol. Secondly, as PPs have pointed out, the whole concept of We cant live without one another is f-ed up. Only a valid argument of youre completely unaware of how babies are made and that birth control does not prevent pregnancy but only reduces the likelihood. Run as if your life depends on it because it does. Deadly, sure, but not highly infectious. You seem too whiny for most womens taste. having sex with someone you dont know that well. When choosing adoption, I think youve made a conscious decision that your child will be better off being parented by people other than you. SpaceySteph She seems proud of his bad-boy ways and his current claim that she is the only woman who can tame him into marriage. The fact the option to abort or not is a womans right is no secret. But if YOU really are so fucked up and so pathetic that you want to build a life with a man who for intents are purposes wants to simply abandon his own child have at it. Hes scum, no one in their right mind is going to want to stay with him. Months after we broke up, he would come and go as he pleased. After 7 months I moved back, but upon moving back he made a confession to me. John Rohan Someone else has assumed it. Believe it or not, but a bedpartner with a scintillating personality is not a prerequisite for the male orgasm: its possible to have and enjoy sex with somebody who you nevertheless regard as entirely obnoxious and devoid of LTR potential. 50 percent of babies are unplanned, and that includes married couples using contraception. Its not a comparable situation at all. He doesnt have to have a romantic relatioship with her, but if she keeps the baby, and IF he is a real man, then this woman will be in his life for the rest of his, as the child is her child as well as his. Abortion is a very personal choice and whether or not this woman chooses to have one is entirely HER business. All Im advocating is the addition of a requirement that the woman has made a good-faith effort to contact the father-to-be once she found out that she was pregnant and that he didnt opt out of support. She should have either used additional contraception or not engaged with sex with a man who wasnt actively pursuing fatherhood, because now shes fucking with 2 other peoples lives who do not have an active role in the decision-making process. Yes, its not a crime. The system you propose that if conception is not by mistake and if the man does not decide early on that he doesnt want to be responsible, then he should be obligated to that child is the craziness system ever. Reframed to show the immaturity of the argument: And most important of all, whats all this talk of ASKING CUSTOMERS to order fries with that? If youre going to be all bent out of shape if the stranger youre sleeping with has your baby then Id ask for a hand job instead. Exactly where is there a grown-up here? I just dont see why thats ok but its not ok for the guy to essentially do the same thing but then have to pay. He was there just as much as that woman was. I always try to take what the LW says at face value though, and a lot of times I turn out to be very wrong when the updates come around, but I still always think its better to react to what they said not what I think they said. You experience a myriad of emotions, and sometimes, you feel guilty or even blame yourself for why the relationship ended.This is all the more reason why it feels like a big fat kick in the teeth to discover that your ex is an overlapper: s(he'd . April 9, 2012, 11:23 am. Of course my opinion of her is based on the story he is telling you. Whatever happened to you to make you hate women doesnt have to mean a lifetime of whiny bitterness. You deserve more than you are getting but if you accept less you will get less! Loved this guy, things were not working out, cos he was fucking around with other girls. Therefore, unless a man has sex only with the intent of becoming a father and only with the intent of never being with another woman, he is an asshole. LW- your boyfriend is scum. She loved him back then but broke up with him over this but went back to him 20 years later thinking he grew up.2016. And I think the LW is just as much of an ass or whatever other word you want to insert as the bf in question. Medications interfere with birth control, not taking it at the same time and whole other host of reason why she could have legitimately gotten pregnant on birth control. Just because you have the right to do something doesnt mean that you should. Cant say Id give one to a stranger but intercourse with a stranger isnt my cup of tea either. April 10, 2012, 7:35 pm. Im really astounded that you would say something so flippant like women can get support for 20+ years, as if its nothing! Men dont have those choices if they dont want the child. Iwannatalktosampson iseeshiny I think, Chuck, what she meant was that no one is forcing these men to impregnate strangers. 4. His response to my comment was all dont tell me what to do with my body. April 10, 2012, 7:09 pm. God, Im so glad someone else thought of that word when reading this letter because Ive used that word exactly three times in my life as an insult, and yet I couldnt quit thinking it. So, if MEN can be compelled to support children after rape, you must also support the idea that WOMEN can be compelled to support that child in the womb after THEY get raped. Dont force him to be. 5) What bothers me more than anything is the LWs attitude. Thats seriously not cool. Terminating his Parental Rights just means he has no say in childs education, no visitaton, etc. And yes men create children. If you dont like someone (as a fellow human being), dont have sex with them. The entire point of my post(s) is that the paternity laws in this country (which is a central consideration of the letter and the story) are out of whack and unbalanced to the point of being unfairly punitive to men. Reminds me of that one post about a girl's ex boyfriend getting a girl pregnant, but it wasn't actually his, and he was infertile. That isnt the case. (yes, I know, lifes unfair). In fact, it may not even be anger you feel, but hurt or you feel threatened by this pregnancy. April 10, 2012, 4:51 pm. I make no exception for men or women. If the guy just walked away and contributed nothing, then that would be exactly akin to most adoptions, which, essentially, just mean letting someone else take care of your child. Stop insulting her and learn to see the situation for what it really is. April 11, 2012, 8:04 am. This is a process and it's got a lot of risks. Hes just not ready to start a family. But it also ought to be her responsibility. I hope the LW takes note of the fact that Amandas comment currently has 61 likes. No man would abandon a woman he impregnates. Go back and reread the original letter starting with the part where hes furious with the woman he impregnated. You deserve each other! The vast majority of parents who have at least a rough acknowledgement of their paternity/maternity have joint custody even if the guys a deadbeat. End. You see being nurturing as a weakness.