i hate my husband because of his mother

Now that she knows this about herself and also knows caring for her ailing mother-in-law is an unbreakable condition for her marriage, she will hopefully look for solutions that work for everyone. We were on the same page. If your husband stopped behaving like the man in the house, that might explain why you hate him so much. They probably werent stationed anywhere near the MIL so her condition was a surprise. that you have unconsciously absorbed from your environment. Be supportive of your husband and understanding as your spouse learns these new traits. If your husband is not able to be the caretaker for both the mother and the kids, is there anyone else in the family who can help out? And maybe it wouldnt be too hard. For my part, I simply cannot imagine living with either of my parents. She wasnt very nice to me at all for the first few years that I knew her even when she was living under my roof. Plus, she has unhealthy hygiene (like, she only bathes once a week and sometimes does not wash her hands before putting them in shared food like chips or shredded cheese), and she lets her dog, who stays cooped up in her room all day, use puppy pads that she keeps until either my husband and I complain about the smell. Work on building a positive relationship and focusing on the good . But the mother sounds like a narcissistic nightmare. June 18, 2015, 5:10 pm. Also, they offer proven methods that will save your marriage. I think there are plenty of valid reasons grown children might choose to distance themselves from their former parents/ caregivers. June 18, 2015, 9:37 am. The husband is a coward for not making his wife and kids a priority and the MIL is a mentally ill selfish bitch for expecting everyones life to stop and care for her 24/7. Im literally days away from my due date and my blood pressure has been going up. Be an adult, support yourself, and if you need help, accept it graciously and compassionately and dont look your gift horse in the mouth (i.e. I told him two weeks ago I don't love him and I just can't stand him. I for one, aknowledge that these living conditions must be very difficult. Sylvia believes that every couple can transform their relationship into a happier, healthier one by taking purposeful and wholehearted action. Should I Tell My Boyfriend About My Debt?. If a new spouse cannot accept that, in my humble opinion (IMHO as the new generation says), the relationship is doomed. It ended up being the best thing for her. He needs to adequately defend their needs and manage boundaries. RedRoverRedRover Make sure you can support a baby before getting pregnant. Ultimately, your husband has to decide to change. The situation of her living alone, in her house, should be remedied. What do I mean? June 18, 2015, 10:11 am. But the tone in my response was inspired and informed by the tone in the letter (which I thought was a lot crueler/ unkind/ unsympathetic than my response and most of the responses Im seeing in the comments), but for what its worth Im glad there are dissenting opinions in the comments and that the LW is getting at least a little range of responses. She is not to be left alone for a single second with the baby. It isnt such a big deal, but the way she mentions it its like she flipped out about it. You can also take the advice of many marriage counselors and therapists if you need more enlightenment. Wheres your compassion for that? This is not the right time to blame your husband, but to evaluate your actions in the past. If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married. You might hate your husband when he does something you dont like. April 1, 2017, 12:51 pm. I wouldnt exactly be thrilled to live under those conditions either. with yourself. From your original comment I wouldnt have known. New activities offer a change of environment, which in itself can make you feel closer to your partner. If you really can't get on with their family and are no longer on speaking terms, allow your partner to continue their relationship with them on. I just dont really feel that bad for her. honeybeenicki You should be more concerned when you frequently hate things about your husband. One such situation might make you say, I hate my husband. The first step to solving this problem is knowing why you cant see eye-to-eye with your spouse. With your spouse, you need to be more intentional. Id look into a home health aide. Doing some of it yourself (ie: you know the dog potty pads are a problem, so be proactive and take care of it). Now that you know why you hate your husband, it is best to know ways to stop it. Are you happy within yourself? Actually, as much as I love my own mother I would rather move her into an assisted living than allow her to abuse and berate my husbandI made vows to my husband not my mother. * She probably should have figured this out sooner but she didnt. . No matter how busy life is, spouses should dedicate time to each other. Thankfully, this article has done a great job highlighting common reasons wives hate their husbands and what they can do. Being married doesnt mean you wont find others attractive. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3411865/, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/263492646_His_and_her_marriage_expectations_Determinants_and_consequences, https://www.nbcnews.com/better/pop-culture/how-thoughtful-communication-can-improve-your-marriage-according-divorce-attorney-ncna872661, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/226267616_Dysfunctional_relationship_beliefs_in_marital_conflict, What to do when you dont like your husband, 18 likely reasons why you hate your husband, 5 helpful ways to stop hating your husband, Spice up Your Day With Cute Relationship Memes for Your Partner, The Importance Of Maintaining Healthy Family Relationships, 35 Relationship Goals for Couples & Tips to Achieve Them, 25 Common Marriage Problems Faced by Couples & Their Solutions, 50+ Best Funny Marriage Advice: Finding Humor in Commitment, 50 Best Things to Talk About With Your Boyfriend. Hiring a maid or part time help. Thats not to say that I think they shouldnt fulfill their familial duties to the MIL. This is particularly if he cannot seem to function without his mother. He doesn't work on the relationship. An experienced therapist will offer you strategic ways to communicate with your spouse. No marriage is perfect as everyone is only trying their best to make it work. That is for my DH to do since it is his mother. But because of that I would never move in with either of my parents for free rent either. Its a daunting prospect to consider and I dont blame the letter writer for wanting out (on a purely emotional level). Keep up the good work! 7. Research on narcissistic personality disorder would somewhat support this strategy. Sometimes it is best to evaluate yourself before blaming your husband for how you feel about him. Having a selfish husband means being stuck with stunted communication in your marriage. That is pretty much human decency to help your parents out as they age and cant handle everything themselves. But now I get it- Husband promised his mother to take care of her, like, physically, not just help out and such. In fact, someone else may be a far better option. He has directly told me that Im simply hormonal and Im just using my childrens safety as an excuse to get my way. Only in the last couple years, since she has formally disowned me and my nice sister for no good reason and stopped speaking to us entirely, have they gotten her to accept any kind of therapy, and they have run through a number of therapists. You may have your husband because there are underlying differences you refused to settle. But I do agree that the LW needs to reframe how she sees this. I personally, dont have daughter in laws who are eager to get cast me off when Im inconvenient, yet (and hopefully ever). TaraMonster Is this a normal feeling? However, its just for a short while. But if this happens frequently, you must ask yourself, Why do I feel like I hate my husband?. He has to form a boundary between his new family and his family of origin. That could have been her husband too, though. The famous statement that, You might hate your husband because of the wrong ideas from. Once the wife tables her grievances and apologizes, the couple goes right back to loving each other. Our first responsibility is ALWAYS to our minor children. It could be taking her to get her hair done, helping her clean up after her dog, doing yard work for her, etc. Not true. For instance, you may hate your husband solely because he refuses to stop drinking. If hes trying his best to make you happy, the least you can do is to appreciate him. Well, you need to embrace both the good and the bad. Doing things together offer couples opportunities to enjoy each others company and finding loving ways to complete tasks together. I own a duplex with my mom (she lives on one side, we live on the other) and I think that will come in handy years down the road when she needs care but wants to keep her independence. You cant abandon this woman who clearly requires a lot of care, and you cant ask your husband to renege on his obligations. Unless she like nailed the knife to the counter and booby trapped the kitchen Indiana Jones style, Im pretty sure you were just annoyed it was left out, which is reasonable, but jesus. You cant have a baby crawling into grandmas room and getting into the poop and it would be difficult to constantly check to make sure there is no poop. Also, I saw my mom naked all the time. Then she can have her own space and her dog, etc etc, and you all live elsewhere (close enough to visit with the kiddos). Did they both come up for sale at the same time? Being an older person, she must have a lot of wisdom to share and the LW isnt accepting that. Being married doesnt mean you wont find others attractive. I walked around the corner into the kitchen and the knife was right there, almost touching me. Raccoon eyes Skyblossom I have to agree with all of the people who chimed in about mother sounding like a very typical right hemisphere stroke patient. They can come several times a week and help the MIL take a bath, wash her hair and change clothes. To pay for a home she would need to sell her house. Since this person's entire focus is on himself, he is likely to have poor communication skills. Does he mean that he *must* live with her? She certainly isn't. But she goes after him constantly, every conversation and every visit. And if you cant afford your own place yet because you and your husband are both unemployed, then TOUGH SHIT. Of course, but he is not obligated to sacrifice his life or his happy home for me. Some women got attracted to their husbands because of their looks and physical attribute. I havent cared for an in-law but I have lived with someone in hospice care who could no longer take care of themselves long term. The husband has a responsibility to both children to keep them safe, and that includes not allowing his mother to harm them, even if unintentionally. My parents didnt and dont see what they were doing. bricklink greef karga. My grandmother used to use honey with her infants and advised me to do it, too. Or maybe MIL stays put and letter writer moves somewhere close so her husband can put in an hour or two daily with MIL and letter writer goes a couple times a week. Thats her fault not the MILs. Knowing the specific reasons can save your marriage, whether he stopped sending flowers or stopped going on regular dates. However, you should check yourself when you start, The Significance and Importance of Forgiveness in a Marriage, We think they have failed and hate them when they dont meet our. Im just saying the tone at which people are responding to the LW is off. Some of the over the top descriptions (impaled from a knife on the counter?!? We've been together for 16 years and married 14 years. My mom put whiskey on my gums. And quite frankly, compassion is the best tool in your arsenal when dealing with this type of situation. I hope what goes around comes around. Accept that he can never be the charming prince you see on the television. That one could be real, it almost happened to me once (not while I was pregnant). June 18, 2015, 2:01 pm. Your MIL sounds ill maybe mentally ill, in addition to suffering whatever lasting effects she has from her stroke. You wont see such a trait when you are courting because he is a good pretender. So I suppose I really not adding much to the conversation here, so I will just end there. Im not saying it will be easy or that she will agree without putting up any resistance, but your husband, and maybe even your FIL, should be the ones sorting that out while you SUPPORT him in a loving way. Living with someone who requires a great deal of care who is incapable of caring for themselves, is very hard. While I can appreciate how stressed and overwhelmed she is, I absolutely think shes acting with a kind of entitlement and lack of compassion that needs to be called out. This is why I love this site any arguements due to misreadings are address and moved on from quickly. No matter how much you love your spouse, there will be days when you hate their guts. We bought the entire building because the owner was selling it. Not that I think you have to have experienced giving care to a difficult elderly/disabled person to comment on this, but I have. June 18, 2015, 10:07 am. Constant dislike for your spouse shows an underlying problem you need to solve. June 18, 2015, 9:56 am. When spouses dont respect each other, they stop being responsible. I have hatred and resentment towards him (from previous issues.. no cheating just disrespect) and tonight I decided I was DONE. Because with or without LW and husband physically living in the house, mothers life doesnt sound so great, especially compounded by whatever lingering issues from the past stroke, etc. It was only once I started eating more fruit in my adult life that I started liking sweet treats more. If you and your partner disagree, you can talk through the reasons and try to reach a compromise that leaves you both satisfied. Ridiculous. Addie Pray He spends less time at home. Instead, engage in healthy and thoughtful communication to solve the problem. Fair enough. something random Its really not that hard. Understanding why you feel resentment in your marriage is the first step to understanding the full spectrum of emotions you harbor and deciding where your. Nobody has said that she has an easy life, all of us understood she is having a hard time, but, I dont know, just her tone and the way she talks about the woman whos helped her and plans to ditch her, makes me feel like she is really entitled. February 24, 2017, 11:43 am. And I would assume husband had an OK upbringing, hence the promise to always look after mother. honeybeenicki You might hate your husband because he prioritizes only himself. Another way to stop hating your spouse is to remember the good old days. Free housing! Or is he open to other ideas that wouldnt require your family live with her but instead using some of Wendys ideas? I do stroke rehabilitation with older adults and one of the nasty parts of having a stroke is that sometimes peoples strokes leave them with defecits in self awareness, attention, balance, problem solving and social skills. I get that living there is hard for you. Hate is a strong word. Just because he couldn't help it, it doesn't mean you are not angry that he had a stroke . I am always kind and civil and I do ask my husband how she is from time to time but I do not contact her in any way. Its one thing to know that someone had a stroke and quite another thing to know how much someone may have changed, especially if you arent there to see it. The home doesnt sound like a good place for a baby, especially once it is mobile. June 18, 2015, 9:38 am, I like Wendys response. June 18, 2015, 1:07 pm. But who among us isnt? Had she never visited her? So, get your own place. June 18, 2015, 10:22 am. My parents neglected my emotional needs consistently in favour of my more challenging sister. The MIL just cant be left to care for herself. Sometimes theyre just desperate to get out of their current situation without thought to what is actually the right best thing to do. I understand that she must have felt desperate, but shes calling out her MIL for having bad judgment (as a mother and grandmother), when it seems like the LWs judgment is questionable, too. LW Ive been trying to come up with a compassionate response all morning. Its all well and good to lecture about having compassion for the stroke victim but LWs first priority needs to be the safety and well being of her minor children. And it is very easy to assume one can imagine what it takes to care for someone. I want to weigh in here. A central . My mother really really hates my husband, Mike*. Learn what to do when you dont like your husband in the following: 13 Tips on What to Do if You Dislike Your Spouse, ? Before, you considered each others blemishes, and you werent judgmental. June 18, 2015, 10:26 am. I respect Wendys response, but I think that it may have been too harsh and too quick to judge. Yesterday, I received an email from a woman who was overcome with negative emotions. While you can encourage your partner to change some behaviors, it is better to accept that his flaws will always be part of him. Do you have any unresolved issues with yourself? can help resolve some of the tension between you and your partner. These people, who dont seem to give a shit about aging, ailing parents, are the worst! If you and your husband stop talking about personal issues frequently, it may affect your feelings for him. FiL has some nerve lecturing LW about broken promises when he is the one that (presumably) vowed before God to take care of MIL through sickness and in health. As long as your partner tries their best, it would be best not harshly to criticize them. (Right?) And she is still getting a free place to live and wants to continue getting a free place to live and not move out right now, until she gets a job. TaraMonster If hes willing to throw away a promise to his mother just because things are difficult now, what makes you think he wouldnt do the same to you? Otherwise, its bound to bring out hatred in one person. M. MiraclesHappenBelieve. Now, my husband has medically retired from the Army and I am a full-time student and mom. Her husbands promise isnt a promise, its a life sentence. , RedRoverRedRover And even my husband loves having her nearby. Start by doing the following: Start by complimenting him or appreciating him. Typical lovers arent just intimate with each other; they are also best friends. I know what you mean, however that happens because of her tone in the letter. And it is stressful and daunting. Of course this is family (a parent! And personally, I think a little sympathy would be more helpful in getting her to think rationally and kindly about the situation than telling her shes being entitled and being a bad person. Also, with the balance issues there probably arent many activities MIL can do entirely independently, unless the house has had major adaptations to it (railing etc), and I am willing to bet that is not the case. It could be visiting her frequently and driving her to appointments, as he/you have been doing, and taking her out for recreational activities (as opposed to just letting her basically rot in her own filth in her bedroom all day and night). June 18, 2015, 2:12 pm. Apparently she moved in with their dad when he left. I have compassion for both LW and her MIL. Oh, I have no doubt shes overwhelmed. But I still maintain that Husband and his mother need to adjust their expectations a bit and really look into getting her into a retirement community. Id suggest putting a child gate across the door to grandmas room but grandma might not be able to open and close it and certainly doesnt sound able to step over it. Why do I feel like my husband hates me? Talk to your husband about what he means by caring for her. It would be best to intensify your effort to draw your partner closer in marriage. Sometimes, we place immense expectations and responsibilities on our partners. Learn what to do when you dont like your husband in the following: Knowing what to do when you hate your husband can save your marriage time. That would help a lot with the hygiene. How come you suddenly dislike your husband or slowly hating my husband? And if Id been pregnant, I definitely would have run into it. Well, you need to stop that. Do what you can to make it easier for all of you, help out, and chill. How? June 18, 2015, 10:02 am. February 24, 2017, 11:06 am. Whenever she asks us to do something she always says, Whenever you get the chance, doesnt have to be right now. Yet, if the request isnt fulfilled shortly after, she gets pissy. I dont remember much of it since I was so young, but from what I hear now as an adult it was really difficult to physically be able to take care of her. When you hate your husband so much, the reason could be because you are unhappy with yourself. Elderly people often lose the capacity to properly care for themselves, and if she was already mentally ill, or even eccentric, Im sure the issue is exacerbated. June 18, 2015, 11:04 am, That has to be so amazing to have your mom so close with your baby on the way , honeybeenicki You complain, complain, complain about everything you have to do for her and how grossed out you are by her and about this horrible promise your husband made to, gasp, care for his ailing mother, but wouldnt you want your kids to show some care for you if you werent able to care for yourself and they were in a position to help out a little? 3 Detrimental Effects of Lack of Communication in Marriage, Marriage Is Not About Your Happiness but Is About Compromise, The Importance of Date Night in a Marriage and Tips to Make It Happen, Indeed, you are lovers, but that doesnt take away the place of respect. I Hate My Husband For Cheating on Me - Tips and Advice That May Help. The Problem: As a kid, you were probably exposed to poor relationships. No biggie. Is that right? Skyblossom My grandma also told me she used to supplement her infants with goats milk because of low supply. Steven Tyler is accused of sexually assaulting a 16-year-old girl in the '70s: 'Victim's' lawsuit claims she is the 'teen bride' in singer's memoir after he convinced her mom to grant him guardianship Hate my husband. I feel like we need to try harder to see all sides here. Not sure what youre talking about. You can even lead by replicating some of those times. Shes not capable of it, nor is it morally right to leave someone high and dry just because you cant do it yourself. Can your husband take over the majority of the care work for the children, including the baby, while also looking after his mother? Im with Wendy. Marriage doesnt mean you stopped treating your partner like you used to when you were courting. Shes the one who asked whether she was wrong for asking her husband to break his promise to care for his mother after they are done needing her free place to live in, and, sorry, but the answer is yeah. They talk about things, go out often, advise and help each other. He blames you for the problems in your relationship. Also. Is there a senior center in your community? I was simply upset because my baby was crying. My mom gave me a teaspoon of sugar for hiccups, and I certainly did not have a sugar addiction, in fact, I didnt like overly sweet things or soda or icing when I was a kid. something random Check the following practical methods when you dont know what to do when you dislike the man youve married: An excellent way to evaluate the situation is to start asking the questions like, Why am I starting to hate my husband?. If you cant pinpoint the cause you dislike your husband, check the following possible reasons why you hate your husband: Communication goes beyond what you engage in with friends and co-workers. And I feel bad that this column is being published right when shes having a baby, but this is when she wrote to me. It sounds like the MIL is going to need all of her own money so that she can be taken care of. But she did and now I cant help feeling for her, a little bit. Probably not the last. Jeez, I think these responses are kind of harsh. I was thinking the same about the honey thing. Never said her solution was good or right. She says he's lazy and stupid and selfish and all kinds of other things that just aren't true. Hey MIL, I am a little concerned because of your health problems about the safety of the baby, but Id love if youd help with XYZ when you can and if you want to. . I kept thinking what if you need to be taken care of someday by your husband? I want to know how messed up the husband is from how shitty of a mother he had. I just read your comment again. Everytime I hear her on the phone to dh she's. Why do I feel like I hate my husband? The harsh truth is that you have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage. Many wives say, Sometimes I hate my husband. The reason is that their husband stopped paying attention to them. For instance, your partners appreciate kids, but you dont. No one had medical training either so that made it extra difficult. June 18, 2015, 11:29 am. However, it doesnt always work like that. I like Wendys suggestion that the letter writer finds a way to honor her obligation to her mother in law in way that doesnt dry her out from resentment year after year. So let me see if I understand this. 10 Powerful Financial Goals for Couples to Build Their Marriage, 10 Silly Mistakes to Avoid When Resolving Conflict in Marriage, How to Balance a Career With Marriage: 8 Tips, What To Do When You Feel No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, According to Zodiac Signs: the 3 Best Women to Marry, How To Connect With A Man On An Emotional Level, The Role of Romance in a Relationship and its Importance, How Important Is Intimacy in a Relationship, Feeling No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, How to Get Back Together After Separation, 6 Ways to Tell if Someone is Lying About Cheating, 5 Signs That You Are Living in a Toxic Marriage, 7 Important Tips to Build Trust in a Relationship, 10 Effective Communication Skills for Healthy Marriages, 20 Signs of a Married Man in Love With Another Woman. Sell the property if necessary to get out of the situation. Nicole Certain events can jerk us back to reality when you find out your soulmate is flawed and imperfect. Earlier I was thinking, what does she mean, a promise to take care of his mother? It may be that her attitude needs some adjusting, perhaps due to the immediate stress of the babys impending arrival. We have been together for about 13 years, married for 3. I think leaving when she no longer needs the financial help from the MIL and washing her hands of it just makes her seem crappy. It does make me think the FIL has a point about her exaggerating safety issues as an excuse to try to get what she wants. When you hate your husband so much, the reason could be because. It can pave the way for a better relationship. You respect your partner by recognizing they are different from you through their opinions, experiences, and values. Keeping a promise and caring for another these things sound great on paper. I agree that it is too much to handle, but her solution isnt the right one. Wouldnt you want the same or is everything supposed to benefit you in some way? Your spouse is your stepchild. Someone just left it carelessly, is all, and the configuration of the kitchen meant you could come around the corner without seeing it. Its really easy to theorize what it is like taking care of a wacko (through no fault of their own). Ill graduate in a few days and have been applying to jobs that will hopefully hire me shortly after my baby is born so that we wont need any of her finances. Why do I hate my husband? June 18, 2015, 9:53 am. June 18, 2015, 2:09 pm. He's had the stroke and it's you who is feeling and expressing what you call "bad feelings". @Diablo, I think the comments chiding grown children for not having infinite patience and tolerance for aging parents might hit a nerve for adults who arent as close with their parents or in-laws. 5 Ways Lying Destroys Marriages, 15 Ways to Deal With an Unsupportive Partner During Pregnancy, 15 Ways to Know if Theres Enough Physical Intimacy in Your Relationship. From time immemorial, we hear more awful marriage experiences than good ones. Could you be transferring aggression? Depending on how bad she really is you could already be financially exploiting her and thats elder abuse. I hear you. I just can't deal with my mil. Here we were deep cleaning her house, since she let it get really nasty, just so we can live there with my 8-year-old daughter (from a previous relationship), and shes picking arguments with us almost daily for six months. Having worked with many stroke patients, the behaviour described sounds very typical. The temporary hatred you feel often fades once your husband changes or you get what you want. She came into this house totally unaware of the current state of her MILs condition, was totally unprepared to handle it, and her husband seemingly isnt on board with making changes (ie he wants to buy another house eventually and keep on living together). We offend each other, but you will find it challenging to forgive someone who does it repeatedly and unapologetically. Like, angled so that the blade was over the edge of the counter, almost parallel to the counter. Not My Promise. There is a picture of myself and my grandma when I was about 4, so right after her stroke, and we are baking and placing M&Ms on some cookies about to go in the oven. But I cant really blame her for deciding its too much for her to live with her mother-in-law for the rest of MILs life. I understand that they are divorced but I wanted to point out the utter hypocrisy of him trying to hold his son to a promise made long ago. 5. what were you doing on the counter?) Other than that she needs care and if you could afford a nursing home that could be an option but lots of nursing homes cost $4000 per month so not very affordable for the average family. Also, they offer proven methods that will save your marriage. Built in babysitter/dogsitter right next door! Eventually, a few years later, they had to put her into a nursing home. And sometimes ill-prepared panicked people arent model human beings who can clearly assess every situation and respond with the appropriate amount of compassion. I agree with Wendy that caring for someone doesnt mean having to live with them and care for them yourself. Maybe before moving in with her (for free) she should have visited? Of course people are going to judge. Its another thing to tell her shes a jerk and entitled. But going this route just doesnt work for the letter writer. We will present possible reasons why some wives hate their husbands and solutions for the same. Sounds like your husband is trying to make good on his promise (though his motives dont sound great). Once you figure the problem out, it will be easy. We were always made responsible if our youngest sister got angry or had a tantrum. Its impossible to prepare families for what dealing with a R Hemisphere stroke patient will be like and Ive seen my fair share of long term marriages fall apart when once spouse has this type of stroke. I cant believe how willing you are to drop her without any support vs. setting up support from afar. If anything, it sounds like she is starved for contact, whether she knows that or not. It can pave the way for a better relationship. She needs professional care. 4. And I can just now stomach pineapple. Duplex is a great idea. June 18, 2015, 11:47 am. She never lets him get discouraged. Like I was accusing her of being just mean and ugly to my daughter. to solve the problem. Clearly, she does not seem capable of living alone without some care. I dont dispute she needs to change her attitude, but I also understand that the amount of stress shes under is perhaps making it difficult for her to see the situation clearly. Never asked her husband how she was, what her life was like, how she was managing living alone, post-stroke? June 18, 2015, 9:21 am, Haha, I thought the impaling comment was overly strange too, but in my mind presumed it was preggo hormones making her overreact. Tell her to reframe, tell her not to welsh on her MIL, tell her its the price she pays for being family and getting a free house, but why is it so wrong to do it with with a different tone? Telling someone shes a bad person isnt likely to make her take the advice, but reframing the message i in a kinder (but equally blunt) way would make her more likely to take heed. If your husband doesnt care about your opinion or values but only what matters to him, it will cause a rift between you. Life is unpredictable, and marriage is full of surprises. They are dependent on him or her and should, and hopefully will, always be their parents' first priority. The best way to solve the dislike for your husband is to communicate. It does not have to be living with her. 2. . He refuses even to consider counseling. Not only does she sound like a danger to her grandchildren or anyone else living with her, which youve made clear is your concern, she is a danger to herself. Get her somewhere with regular care or take care of her, just quit using her for her money. Lisa Marie Presley loved being a mother to her "cubs.". I know its tempting to ask how the hell did LW get herself into this situation?, but the more important question is how to get out of it. It sounds like she has some assets so she probably would need to private pay but check out disability/elderly services with your county to see if there are local community based options to try and take some of the weight off of the caregiving which may make it more tolerable or help connect you with a care center for her if she is too unwell to live on her own again with sometimes help. to change some behaviors, it is better to accept that his flaws will always be part of him. However, things have changed now. something random makes you sound super petty and ridiculous. Accepting that fact will save you from getting worried. I want to point out how rich it is that LWs FIL is lecturing HER about broken promisesisnt he the one that married MIL and made a vow before God to take care of her in sickness and in health? And you really need to discuss with your husband how he can fulfill his promise to take care of his mother without sacrificing your nuclear familys safety and comfort. However, a husband attached to his mother at the hip might be more of a problem. Maybe next time fucking wait till you have your shit together? June 18, 2015, 9:44 am. i hate my husband because of his mother santa margherita chianti classico 2014 intertops sports betting i hate my husband because of his mother May 10, 2022 Learning what to do when you hate your spouse involves limiting your exposure to crashed and, 7 Ways to Feel Better When Someone Hurts You, When you hate your husband so much, could there be another person? You. Working with people in this condition is taxing, so I really cant imagine living with them. I promised my mom that she could live in the east wing of my giant mansionguess whatshes not holding me to a promise I made as a child. She could have written in about the husband and issues with navigating her MILs care and left everything else out. But she married her husband and he comes with her mother. Sorry, but is the MIL is that bad off, she belongs in a place where she can be looked after 24/7 and there senior citizen apartments that have such care that comes with them. Besides, hating your husband is just like when you blurt out, I hate this car! when it refuses to start during a rush hour. Whether you choose to keep him with his new found spine, is up to you. I for one love and respect my son enough that I would never make him feel guilty for living his life. June 18, 2015, 1:43 pm. Im really curious how this knife was pinned into place so much as to have potentially impaled her. Im sympathetic to the LW. I *DO* appreciate how difficult that has to be for the LW, and I can empathize with that frustration. Stop wanting and do it. Want to have a happier, healthier marriage? We were always responsible for working around her illness and walking on eggshells. As a result, you begin to project your fears on your husband and marriage. And not because of some grandiose moral notion of kindness, but because not being able to access that compassion makes every single moment of the process strained, draining, and just all around awful for yourself and everyone involved. If not and he wants her in the same home, how can you make it a better environment? My point here is that stroke victims are greatly affected by even the most basic of things: cooking, cleaning, taking care of themselves, etc. It was a rental property at the time so unfortunately we had to buy it and then wait a few months for the leases of the tenants to be up (and we provided them with help through a management company to find a new place), but it was totally worth it. At the very least, youd think if she cared nothing for the MIL, shed have at least cared enough about her 8-year-old daughter (if not herself) to check out the situation before moving in. Everyone has a unique personality encompassing behavior, core values, cultural beliefs, and morals. She always signed my birthday cards, but it wasnt legible because she couldnt write. The message would be the same, but the approach could be a lot different. It was her idea to live with her MIL because she needed her, and know that she wont she just plans to leave her to her fate, and make her husband leave her too. I didn't care because we were 16 & I kept secrets from my parents too so who cares. Love is what we expect in a marriage, so a dislike for our spouse makes us anxious and stressed. As much as love brings you together, know that you will face some challenges, such as financial constraints, housing problems, issues about children, etc. We made long-term goals together like engagement, marriage, kids, the whole 9. I dunno. Giving care is one thing. Making you his main priority and breaking away from his family is, in the end, his decision. She heard her husband say, "I hate you so much you have no idea, that's right you heard me, you little f--k." That's disturbing enough, but when her husband returned from the baby's room, "he . Seriously. I'm laying in bed with our baby and am shaking from anger. Somewhere along the way, this influenced you to have a dysfunctional view on relationships. You might say, I hate my husband, because he has hurt you a lot in the past. I also know that its easy to talk about hiring care takers, but reality is that home care is very expensive and often difficult to get reimbursed by insurance. It doesnt matter if you say, I hate living with my husband. It wont change anything unless you let him know your feelings. Its one thing to say Look, I see youre living in very difficult circumstances, and that the stress of that is probably clouding your judgement. Like LW has to be held responsible for a promise her husband made in his youth before he had the life experience to understand the possible ramifications. The very day we got to her house she began accusing us of taking things, and just finding any and every complaint she could find to make. Check the following ways to stop hating your husband: The first step to stopping hating your husband is to know why. I mean seeing all that T&A surely must have messed him up. Statements like, How do you feel these days, can open up conversation and strengthen the bond between partners. Yeah, this is pretty horrible. It sounds like the husband/son is dropping the ball and not fulfilling his promises to either party. Dear Wendy If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected]. June 18, 2015, 12:13 pm. Tolerating what sounds like abusive behaviour from his mother is another. "I Hate that My Husband Takes Care of His Mother" In the beginning, I absolutely adored my MIL and had no worries about the promise my husband had made (long before I knew him) to always take care of her because she had a stroke several years earlier. In addition, she has fallen asleep with candles still lit, and left knives on the counter (I almost impaled my pregnant belly on one!). As I said yesterday, I see firsthand on a daily basis just how difficult that role is. Youre willing to make the enormous sacrifice of living rent-free with your horrible MIL now, while you cant afford your own place, but as soon you have a job and wont need any of her finances, you will no longer be willing to make any kind of sacrifice when it comes to her and believe your husband should break his promise to take care of her? Am I wrong for wanting my husband to break his promise to his mother that he made sooo long ago? Maybe a cut would have occured, but not anything as dramatic as the LW presents. As for being totally unaware of the current state of her MILs condition before they moved in? Do you have any unresolved issues with yourself? It makes sense for the letter writer not to delay graduation or accumulate debt or dip into savings during a temporary situation if they were ultimately planning on living with the MIL, anyway. Seeking more interesting shared activities is fine, but she may not be creating any desire on the LWs part to be in her company. TaraMonster The temporary hatred you feel often fades once your husband changes or you get what you want. And we even asked a contractor about the possibility of putting in an internal door in the future just in case. The honey thing? I have mentioned that I love living now? And frankly is shes that mentally ill and incapable she needs to see a physician pdq! Is there any money that can be spent on outsourcing care for the mother? . something random . Once the wife tables her grievances and apologizes, the couple goes right back to. My story : . The best El Paso TX information website. Of course its not a good idea to leave knives sitting out, especially with a child in the home but even if she ran right into the blade of a loose knife, it would have just slid over or gotten knocked off the counter. Wow, well I do think this response is pretty harsh. That's how the singer-songwriter who died Thursday at the age of 54 referred to her four children, daughters Riley, Finley and Harper . (Little sis called CPS on my father at age 14, claiming he was physically abusing her, which is absolutely not true, and put herself in to foster care. . The stress that would put on me every day. Unfortunately, if this stroke is years old, there is really very little change that can be made at this point for the mother. Your spouse had children before he or she met you. We expect it to be a. between two individuals in love who are ready to build a home. But straight out choosing to abandon MIL and not worry about it isnt right. honeybeenicki And I wasnt even the primary care giver! Nicole Mike tries to be easygoing but she's a champion button pusher. However, after marriage, things change: partners recognize each other better, including advantages and disadvantages. All rights reserved. But you need to get over yourself and recognize that your husband is stepping up and doing the right thing by caring for his ailing mother. something random We think they have failed and hate them when they dont meet our unrealistic expectations. However, you should check yourself when you start drifting away from your partner. Was she not in touch with the woman? An experienced therapist will offer you strategic ways to communicate with your spouse. ChickenNugget So Im glad you are able to access some of that sympathy for the letter writer. One day, she and I were talking about how babies get hiccups and I told her I used to give my oldest a little bit of water and she suggested to give a bit of honey to coat the babys throat!!!! Why do I hate my husband? He's always asking my parents for money and they give to him. Its possible to dislike your husband and still love them simultaneously. something random It really puts her in a terrible light, in my opinion. It's also very difficult to blame others when we're using I-Statements. The issue isnt about hating your partner. Taken time to learn what the MILs issues really were and what kind of care she needed. something random They are inseparable. This situation can make you hate your husband and wish you arent together. I for one would be going nuts if I were in this situation. Unless it was an emergency out of my control, I wouldnt stay overnight in a hotel with my child that I hadnt researched thoroughly, let alone move him into a home for many months whose state I was completely unaware of. Possibly. June 18, 2015, 10:27 am. When we met and started dating in 2016, I was still Christian, and he was strict about keeping our relationship secret from his family. I wouldnt either (especially with her issues with falls and a newborn). totally abandon her) as soon as you no longer need what shes been giving. My Sisters and I Are Fighting Over My (Living) Mothers Money. I dont hate my MIL but we will never be close. Right? Love is more enjoyable when the two partners are on the same page. As a writer at Marriage.com, she is a big believer in living consciously and encourages couples to adopt this principle in their lives too. They feel they are just protecting their vulnerable child, with little awareness of the effect it has had on me and other sis. I think this letter writer is giving off the impression of being a bit self-centered and entitled and it might be helpful to point this out to her. It could be and really, should be, in your husbands case finding adequate home care or a living environment where his mother will get the physical and medical attention she obviously needs. It sounds like the son wants to collect her money and provide the care himself. I just cant believe you are perfectly fine using your MIL for a place to live now, when you need her but, youre unwilling to help when she needs you. Strange, right? It could be sitting down with her and going over finances and researching programs she could apply for to help pay for this kind of care (and even contributing to that care if one is in a financial position to do so). My husband's sister has lived in another state since before I met him. I read it too quickly the first time and thought you wrote Not that I think you have experienced instead of not that I think you have to have experienced It changed the whole tone. However, I didnt see an OUNCE of compassion in this letter. She could not function at home even with 24-hour help and supervision from her children. I dont think it would have done much if Id hit it, but still. Hes feeding her a line. Go right back to when you used to love your husband. Marriage brings two individuals in love together. They had to know going in what the situation would be like, but hey! by recognizing they are different from you through their opinions, experiences, and values. Stay calm and think it through to evaluate your marriage and. If they moved in with his mom because they were always planning to buy a house with her and care for her and a medical discharge just pushed everything to happen faster, that is more understandable. Dear Wendy 17 Signs Your Husband Hates You 1. And I do think there is a contradiction on the part of the LW in accepting support but being unwilling to return it in kind.

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